When Calls The Heart

I love a cheesy show. I love all the bad things ending with a happy ending and it’s one of my guilty pleasures along with musicals, pride and prejudice and The Godfather films. Last night in North America, the TV programme “When Calls The Heart” aired the season finale. One of the main characters died. I am a geek and love following the stars on Social Media. The abuse and vitriol thrown at these people because of what happened on the show is incredible.

Now I can understand getting sucked into a programme so much that you feel it’s real life – I did it with The West Wing, when Zoe Bartlett was captured. I was expecting BBC News to give an update! That taught me so much.

I have a few shows that have pulled me in  so much that I have the DVD box sets – Friends, The West Wing, Brothers & Sisters and Rizzoli & Isles. But never would I ever think to send a message to the stars, if not to thank them, for what happened on their show.

Last night just proved some things to me, from what I can see and have experienced, we in the Western  World don’t know how to deal with death. we are really good at celebrating life – death not so much. It makes us uncomfortable. We don’t know what to say to someone who is dealing with death and bereavement. I now I have read and written about it before. Were all those people angry because of the show plot or because it means that they have to deal with a sentiment that they don’t like. It makes us uncomfortable and means that we have to face the questions about who we are. It means having the tough and lonely nights and it can mean losing connections with people because they don’t understand or don’t want to be around.

I was taught by my parents that death is not the end and in many ways it’s a celebration. I was never not around it – my parents conducted and officiated lots of funerals. I now can testify that until you are in the midst of a close and personal bereavement – you can’t or wont fully understand it, because it is the end of one part but the beginning of a whole new you.

So, I reckon those people watching the TV last night and seeing the processing of Jack’s death aren’t angry because of him leaving, but are angry because they felt emotions they don’t understand. Me – I will see the episode when it appears on Netflix and I will cry like I do for a cheesy tv show, but I will also grieve the people I miss and love and again I shall embrace that moment of longing.



life goes on

Life goes on……………..
I don’t like the month of JUNE and this year will be ten years since my parents were “promoted to glory” or they passed or died or are no more – yes I am bordering on quoting the whole of the dead parrot scene from Monty Python, but I won’t.
Over the last few weeks I have discovered personally that for me grieving is living. Living with the everyday knowledge that you won’t hear their voices again, has probably been one of the hardest experiences for me. I am grateful for Youtube and a video of my parents doing what they did best – leading a church in worship.
I have cried openly and at surprising moments over the last few weeks as several times, the grief has hit me when I least expected it; although having 2 Mothers Day festivals in 2 months probably didn’t help. I am grateful to those that I have been able to be honest with in my pain. And who all these years later walk the road with me.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, can I say it takes a village to walk and grieve with an individual or family.
Life takes over when the music has faded and comfort is no longer found in numbers.
Life takes over when you need to eat and cook and clean and people expect you to get back to it.
Life takes over the grief when you are invited to a party and don’t feel like going because you might bring the mood down.
Life takes over when you see a family enjoying being together and your dream and wish that you could do that mundane shop again.
Life takes over when people don’t know what to say and you find yourself comforting them.
Life takes over when you don’t want to be nice to anyone anymore or have them be nice to you. Life takes over when you are in the supermarket and everyone is just getting on with life and you want to shout, “ I miss my parents.
Life is unfair. I am grieving and don’t want to be happy.” Life takes over when you have to explain the whole story – again!
Life takes over when even now you pick up the phone to tell your mum or dad about your day and then realise you can’t.
Life takes over when you are in so much pain that you sob as you fall asleep because “your village” have been amazing and you don’t want to burden them anymore.
Life takes over when you put your grief aside to walk the path so well trod with someone in your village.
Life takes over but the grief and the constant sadness never passes, it lessens.
Life takes over the grief and you thank God for that bit of breathing space.
Life goes on even when you don’t want it too and some days you are grateful some days you wish it had stopped at the last laugh, hug or I love you.
Life goes on and the village gets smaller but they are still there and so are you going through life.
You see life goes on……………….and so does the grieving.

All that’s left to say………goodbye

I’ve questioned

I’ve wondered

I’ve cried

I’ve denied

I’ve moved 

I’ve stayed 

I’ve called 

I’ve listened

And yet it’s in the stillness and silence that these days made sense

And yet it’s in the stillness and silence that I find some peace

There are moments of raw grief

There are episodes of emptiness

Maybe one day I’ll understand

Maybe I never will

Maybe I won’t need to understand 

This isn’t only because of you my friend

This is about all those encounters with loss 

The time spent wondering why

The only true response is there is no answer why

And all I am left with is “goodbye”

©Estelle Blake – 19th August 2015 (3rd edit.)